Empathy Under Fire

Balancing Compassion, Conviction, and Faith in a Changing World

I didn’t have empathy coming under fire on my bingo card for 2025, but this year, empathy has been a topic of conversation in both the political and church world. Last week, Elon Musk added fuel to the fire while appearing as a guest on The Joe Rogan Experience podcast, bemoaning empathy as a “weakness of the Western world.” But hasn't the West's embrace of empathy directly resulted from its embrace of Christianity as a theoretical framework for human relationships? Didn't Jesus teach us to be compassionate?

These are the questions at the heart of the empathy debate. Many argue that empathy is essential to human connection, that it helps us understand different perspectives, keeps us from turning a blind eye to suffering, and keeps us emotionally connected to the humanity of others. It prevents us from falling into apathy, assumptions, and self-interest. Yet others, like Musk, see empathy as a vulnerability that leads to poor decision-making, manipulation, and an inability to take firm action when necessary.

As a pastor and leader, I have lived in the tension of these perspectives. I have seen empathy create deep connections, heal wounds, and foster genuine community. But I have also seen it stall leadership, create confusion, and generate anxiety within a system.

Edwin Friedman and the Limits of Empathy in Leadership

To fully understand this debate, we might consider the work of Edwin Friedman, a rabbi, family therapist, and leadership consultant whose work in systems theory has shaped leadership and community thinking for decades. I was introduced to Freidman's work while in seminary. It came at just the right time as I was simultaneously pastoring a church that was in the throes of massive change and turmoil. His take on empathy was hard to receive at first. I remember the looks I got the first time I told my staff and church council: “Empathy can no longer be our highest value.”

Friedman’s ideas have been widely used in churches, businesses, and government institutions, particularly in training leaders to navigate anxious and emotionally reactive environments. His most influential book, A Failure of Nerve, critiques the way leaders often prioritize empathy over resilience and clarity, arguing that over-functioning empathy destabilizes systems rather than strengthening them.

Drawing from Dr. Murray Bowen’s Family Systems Theory, Friedman showed that organizations—whether churches, families, or nations—function like emotional systems. The health of a system depends largely on the ability of its leaders to remain non-anxious, self-differentiated, and clear in conviction. In his view, when leaders over-identify with the emotions of those they serve, they become reactive rather than proactive, leading to widespread anxiety, instability, and loss of direction.

Here’s why Friedman saw unchecked empathy as an obstacle rather than a virtue in leadership:

• Emotional Fusion: In unhealthy systems, people expect leaders to absorb their emotional burdens. A pastor who does this will burn out.

• Chronic Anxiety: If leadership is constantly reacting to emotional turmoil, the contagion of anxiety spreads like wildfire.

• Lack of Clarity: If every emotional plea must be accommodated, no clear direction can be maintained.

Friedman believed that leaders should be deeply connected to their people, but not emotionally enmeshed with them. This distinction is crucial for church leaders, parents, and anyone in a position of influence.

How Over-Functioning Empathy Weakens Influence

I saw this firsthand while leading a theologically and demographically diverse church. We valued respect and learning from one another, but over time, that commitment to understanding one another’s perspectives became paralyzing. Conversations remained polite but lacked depth. We avoided disagreements so as not to offend. In trying to be empathetic to everyone, we often struggled to define who we were, what we believed, and where we were going.

Eugene Peterson and Ken Blanchard offer a biblical perspective on leadership that aligns with Friedman's insights but also emphasizes the role of healthy, bounded empathy. In The Unnecessary Pastor, Peterson challenges the modern tendency for pastors to become over-functioning caretakers, absorbed by the emotional needs of their congregations. He argues that a pastor’s role is not to be a therapist, fixer, or a chaplain to every emotional crisis, but to guide with wisdom and clarity. This aligns closely with Friedman’s warning about emotional fusion—leaders who lose themselves in the anxieties of those they serve become reactive rather than resilient. Additionally, in The Pastor: A Memoir, Peterson warns against pastors becoming consumed by the emotional expectations of their congregations, arguing that true leadership requires clarity of vision and the ability to remain steady in times of anxiety. He draws on biblical examples like Moses, who faced the constant emotional demands of the Israelites but maintained his leadership by delegating responsibilities (Exodus 18:13-26) and staying true to God’s calling rather than reacting to every crisis. Similarly, Peterson highlights how Jesus refused to let the expectations of others define His mission. In John 6, after teaching hard truths, many of His disciples abandoned Him. He did not chase after them or soften His message to retain followers. Instead, He turned to the Twelve and asked, 'Do you also want to leave?'. His leadership was firm, non-anxious, and grounded in truth rather than the emotional needs of the crowd.

Ken Blanchard, in his work on servant leadership, points to Jesus washing the disciples’ feet in John 13 as an example of leading with both compassion and authority. When Peter resisted having his feet washed, Jesus did not allow Peter’s discomfort to alter His mission. Similarly, in Matthew 16, when Peter tried to empathize with Jesus by urging Him to avoid suffering, Jesus rebuked him, showing that servant leadership does not mean being swayed by the emotional impulses of others.

This is why unchecked empathy can become a challenge in leadership. It is not that empathy is bad—far from it—but when it is elevated above wisdom, resilience, and clarity, it can create instability rather than strength. Leaders who try to be all things to all people often find themselves burned out, unable to set direction, and caught in a cycle of reacting to the loudest emotional demands rather than making principled decisions. The challenge, then, is to lead with both compassion and conviction—to care deeply without losing clarity, to listen without becoming overwhelmed, and to act in ways that foster long-term health rather than short-term emotional relief.

Empathy vs. Compassion: Why the Distinction Matters

I think some of the confusion in this debate comes from a failure to distinguish between empathy and compassion.

· Empathy says, "I feel what you feel."

· Compassion says, "I see your pain and will act in your best interest."

Jesus consistently demonstrated compassion in ways that led to purposeful action rather than passive emotional identification, not mere emotional identification. One of the most striking examples is in Mark 6:34, when Jesus sees the large crowd and "had compassion on them, because they were like sheep without a shepherd." His response? He taught them—He provided them with the guidance and truth they needed. Compassion led him to bring clarity and wisdom, not just emotional comfort. In Luke 7, Jesus is described as being deeply moved by the suffering of a grieving widow whose only son had died. Rather than merely sympathizing with her pain, He raises her son to life. His compassion led to tangible, transformative action that restored her hope and stability.

Empathy, as it is often understood in modern culture, demands that we feel the emotions of others as if they were our own. While this fosters connection, it can also lead to emotional paralysis when leaders absorb the distress of others without guiding them toward resolution or growth. The risk in leadership is that empathy can lead to emotional paralysis, where leaders become so absorbed in the pain of others that they struggle to make hard but necessary decisions.

Paul presents a nuanced perspective in Galatians 6:2 and Galatians 6:5, urging believers to 'carry one another’s burdens' while also affirming that 'each one must carry his own load.' This highlights a crucial balance: compassion should involve support and care, but not at the expense of individual responsibility and spiritual maturity. This is a crucial balance: compassion means we support and care for others, but each person also has responsibility for their own spiritual and emotional well-being.

Empathy in the Church: A Call to Faithfulness

The challenge for Christians is not whether we should practice empathy, but how we should practice empathy in a way that reflects the kingdom of God rather than the shifting values of culture. Compassion must always be shaped by truth, just as truth must always be delivered with love (Ephesians 4:15). To practice empathy rightly, we must resist both unbounded emotionalism that distorts truth and detached rationalism that lacks love. Instead, the church must model the balance found in Christ—who was deeply moved by suffering but never controlled by the emotions of the crowd.

A faithful practice of empathy in the church should embody these principles:

1. Bearing One Another’s Burdens Without Losing Identity – Referring again to the words of the Apostle Paul, the church is called to “carry one another’s burdens” (Galatians 6:2), but also to recognize that “each one must carry his own load” (Galatians 6:5). Healthy Christian empathy means standing in soliditary the suffering of others without unnecessarily assuming their suffering as our own.

2. Speaking Truth in Love – The world often frames empathy as unquestioning agreement. The church, however, is called to something higher: truth delivered with grace (Ephesians 4:15). A powerful example of Jesus' compassion is seen in His encounter with the woman caught in adultery (John 8:1-11). When the religious leaders wanted to stone her, Jesus responded with mercy, saying, 'Neither do I condemn you,' but He also called her to transformation, instructing her to 'go and sin no more.' His compassion was not mere emotional identification—it was an invitation to redemption and change.

3. Modeling Resilient Love in a Harsh World – In a culture that is increasingly transactional in its relationships, the church must demonstrate steadfast, sacrificial love—not merely momentary emotional validation, but a commitment to true healing and restoration.

4. Staying Faithful Even When Culture Shifts – While society may grow cold or cynical, the church must remain a refuge for the weary, a voice for the voiceless, and a light in the darkness (Matthew 5:14-16). Empathy shaped by faithfulness does not follow cultural tides—it holds firm to the heart of Christ.

Empathy in Society: The Church’s Prophetic Role

The church does not exist in a vacuum; it operates within a world that often rejects true empathy in favor of political expediency or ideological conformity. Some societal movements promote empathy as a moral obligation—but often only toward certain causes, groups, or narratives. Others dismiss empathy entirely, equating it with weakness or compromise. In this tension, the church must model a better way—one that is neither coerced by emotional pressure nor hardened by cultural apathy.

Rather than conforming to societal expectations, the church must embrace its prophetic role—calling the world to a higher, Christ-centered ethic of love, justice, and mercy. This means:

• Advocating for the marginalized without being manipulated by every emotional appeal – Jesus cared deeply for the outcast, but He never allowed external pressures to dictate His mission.

• Standing for truth even when it is unpopular – The church is called to be the “pillar and foundation of the truth” (1 Timothy 3:15), even when society demands emotional allegiance to shifting ideologies.

• Offering a place of healing for a fractured world – In an age of division and outrage, the church should be a community where people encounter real, transformative compassion, not just fleeting emotional solidarity.

Love With Boundaries

Making wise decisions that affect the lives in a system is always best done while resisting the pull of anxiety that is present within the system. Most systems—whether churches, families, or nations—resist change, and change always comes with loss. We do not always feel resilient to loss, but sometimes loss is not only necessary—it is inevitable. If we allow ourselves to be ruled by unchecked empathy, we become paralyzed by that fear of loss. But if we lead with wisdom, clarity, and compassion, we can guide others through it.

I am not arguing that we should be cold, detached, or indifferent. Christians are called to love. But love is not emotional chaos. Love is clear, steady, and wise. Whether in families, churches, or society, the healthiest systems are not those where empathy reigns unchecked, but where compassion and clarity walk hand in hand.